Let me set the scene for you…
INT. LOUNGE – NIGHT
Swanky, dimly lit lounge deep in the heart of Heteroville. A place that not only has no qualms serving cocktails in Dixie cups but also charges $20 for them.
SHORTIE and O’NEILL nurse their hard-to-pronounce, over-priced beers while trying to blend in.
O’NEILL
Remind me why we’re here again?
SHORTIE
So we can see first hand how little our former bunkmates have changed.
O’NEILL
Right.
SHORTIE
Plus, we could use a good laugh.
O’NEILL
Amen to that.
They toast and share a devilish smirk that only years of debauchery can produce.
A beat.
Enter the HERD OF LITTLE BLACK DRESSES. Tall Dress… Curly Dress… Chesty Dress… and bringing up the rear… Sloppy Drunk Dress.
CHESTY DRESS
Oh my god! Shortie?!
The herd immediately swoops in engulfing Shortie in a round of customary air kiss/fake hug combos.
Then, with force smiles and an air of obligation, they turn towards O’NEILL and give a curt nod of acknowledgment.
INNER O’NEILL
Wow. It only took you 3.6 seconds to make me feel like that awkward 16-year-old all over again. Kudos ladies!
O’NEILL
(quietly)
Hi.
The herd forms a semi circle around Shortie completely blocking O’Neill out.
INNER O’NEILL
Oh, don’t mind me. I’ll just stare at your backs.
A beat.
Suddenly, Sloppy Drunk Dress whips around teetering on her heels as she does. She’s got nothing but Grey Goose running through her veins.
SLOPPY DRUNK DRESS
Hey! I didn’t see you standing there. Did you just get here?
O’NEILL
Nope. I came with Shortie.
SLOPPY DRUNK DRESS
(laughing)
Bert and Ernie.
O’NEILL
More Batman and Robin. But yeah.
SLOPPY DRUNK DRESS
So what’ve you been up to?
INNER O’NEILL
Me? Oh, I’ve just been working, dating, drug smuggling… You know the usual.
O’NEILL
Not much. How about—
SLOPPY DRUNK DRESS
(Interrupting)
Tons!
Sloppy Drunk Dress thrusts her hand into O’Neill’s face, flashing her golf ball sized rock.
SLOPPY DRUNK DRESS
15 carat. Princess cut. Isn’t it gorgeous? The wedding’s in March.
INNER O’NEILL
Looks like you bagged a rich one. Good. At least he’ll be able to afford Betty Fords.
O’NEILL
Mazel Tov.
SLOPPY DRUNK DRESS
Thanks! I’m like soooo excited. Are you dating anyone?
O’NEILL
Not really. I was sorta seeing this girl but…
Sloppy Drunk Dress’ eyes widen with a flash of sudden sobriety.
SLOPPY DRUNK DRESS
(yelling)
Oh. My. God.
Sloppy Drunk Dress whips back around toward the herd.
SLOPPY DRUNK DRESS
Hey! Did you guys know O’Neill’s a lesbian?
A look of abject horror sweeps across O’Neill’s face as all eyes fall upon her.
INNER O’NEILL
I’ll take most embarrassing ways one can be outed for $500, Alex.
Holy shit that was hilarious!
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