Luck of the...

Let me set the scene for you…

INT. MCANNS – NIGHT

Green as far as the eye can see. Green shirts. Green hats. Green beer. Clearly it’s not Valentine’s day.

O’Neill zig-zags her way through the semi-drunken crowd dodging jutting body parts while trying to jockey for bar place. She moves left. Then right. Then—

WHAM! O’Neill takes a random elbow to the kidney.

DRUNKEN BRUNETTE

Oopises!

INNER O’NEILL
Oh don’t worry about it. My pesky spleen was in the totally in your way.

O’NEILL

No problem.

O’Neill spots a fee space at the bar and wedges herself in.

INNER O’NEILL

Finally! Who needs the gym when one can break a sweat while trying to get a beer?

The Bartender migrates down towards O’Neill’s end of the bar.

O’NEILL

Can I get a—

He walks right on by completely ignoring her.

INNER O’NEILL

--Or not.

A beat.

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Geez. This is ridiculous.

Enter SKIPPER. Blonde and bubbly in a compact package. All she’s missing are Barbie and Ken by her side.

SKIPPER

How long have you been waiting?

O’NEILL

Not too long. Maybe five, ten. What do you want?

SKIPPER

Johnny Walker Black.

INNER O’NEILL

When did Skipper come with an iron liver?

The Bartender approaches again.

O’NEILL

(To the Bartender)

Any chance can we get a—

He ignores O’Neill once again.

INNER O’NEILL

Ladies and Gentlemen tonight Helen Keller will be manning the bar.

SKIPPER

Seriously?

O’NEILL

Yeah. He’s not the most responsive.

SKIPPER

Let me take a stab at it. What do you want?

O’NEILL

A Stella?

Skipper shoots O’Neill a dubious look.

INNER O’NEILL

Automatic two cool point deduction.

SKIPPER

Alright. One Stella coming up.

(to the Bartender)

Hey! We need—

The Bartender doesn’t even turn in Skipper’s direction. Instead he concentrates on the girl a few feet down.

O’NEILL

I think we might have better odds if we serve ourselves.

SKIPPER

Seriously.

(pause)

Hold this.

Skipper thrusts her purse into O’Neill’s chest.

INNER O’NEILL

What the—

Suddenly, Skipper props herself up on the bar, leans forward, and proceeds to grab hold of the Bartender by his shamrock encrusted tie.

O’Neill’s eyes widen in a mixture of fear and shear disbelief.

SKIPPER

(to Bartender)

Listen Jackass. We’ve been waiting way too long. So stop freaking playing dumb and do your job. A Stella and a Johnny Walker Black.

INNER O’NEILL

Holy roid-rage Skipper!

Skipper lets the Bartender go and turns back to O’Neill.

SKIPPER

Now let’s see him ignore us.

INNER O’NEILL

Remind me never to get on your bad side.