Stay Tuned...

... My real life has been getting in the way lately (in a great/wonderful/ can't stop smiling sorta way) and has been causing some writer's block of epic proportion. I promise, though, a new post is coming asap!

In the meantime, here's the first few pages of a tv pilot I've been working on called The Mean Club. Enjoy!

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COLD OPEN

INT. KITCHEN, DINING HALL - NIGHT

Industrial style kitchen cloaked with heavy moonlit shadows.

JACKIE “HANLEY” MICHAELS (20). Hint of freckle. Ponytail with stray pieces. She’s a typical girl next door. Hanley stands frozen, eyes locked upon--

A massive TUB OF CRISCO.

The WALKIE TALKIE hanging off of Hanley’s sweatpants CRACKLES.

KARA (O.S.)

(through Walkie Talkie)
Hanley? Hanley?! C’mon already. Just do it.

Slowly, Hanley extends her hand, never once taking her eyes off of the Crisco.

HANLEY (V.O.)
You might be wondering why I’m in the middle of a kitchen, in the dead of night, about to get up close and personal with a vat of Crisco...

HANLEY
(to herself)
You can do this... You can totally do this...

Hanley inhaled deeply, closes her eyes, and--

SQUELCH. Hanley plunges her hand into the Crisco.

FREEZE on Hanley’s disgusted face.

HANLEY (V.O.)
Yup. So am I.

END OF COLD OPEN

ACT I

EXT. CENTRAL CAMP, CAMP BIG ELK - MORNING

Beautiful, early morning calm. Dew glistening off of the bunks, pagodas, and clusters of pine trees. It’s a Thomas KinKade painting brought to life.

CUT TO:

INT. CAMP OFFICE -MOMENTS LATER

A strange blend of rustic with state of the art office equipment.

CHYRON READS “Two days earlier”.

JUDY SHWARTZ (60’s), gaudy Jewish grandmother drenched in every shade of pink known to man, shuffles into the office. She’s perky-- too perky for this hour in the morning.

Judy heads straight towards the PA SYSTEM, reaches into a draw and pulls out BARRY MANALOW’S GREATEST HITS CD.

CUT TO:

INT. BUNK V - MORNING

A pre-teen pig sty. Platform shoes, designer jeans, and halters as far as the eye can see.

KARA WILSON (20), a no nonsense tomboy, lays spread eagle on her bed, dead to the world.

HANLEY (V.O.)
This is Kara Wilson. She’s loud, rowdy, and the sole reason I flinch at the mere mention of Push Pops.

Suddenly--

COPA CABANA blares over the PA system at mind splitting levels.

Kara jolts awake, flips out of bed and--

SMACK. She gets a face full of floor.

HANLEY (V.O.)
Oh yeah. And she also happens to be my very best friend.

PHOTOS

A quick series of photos of Hanley and Kara throughout the years. They stand in the same exact positions with only the backgrounds and outfits changing.

ON KARA

Kara sits up, rubbing the newly forming knot on her forehead, and surveys the bunk.
In every bed a PRETEEN COUPLE plays an intense game of tonsil hockey. None are least bit concerned that it’s morning.

KARA (CONT’D)
What the hell?

Kara storms across the bunk, eyes honed in on--

ALI MILLER (21), a future republican’s wife, peacefully sleeps with an EYE MASK on. And it’s no accident. The eye mask perfectly matches her bed spread.

KARA (CONT’D)
Miller! Miller, get your ass out of bed and give me a freakin’ hand here.
Miller stirs, but doesn’t take her mask off.

MILLER
You know my rule.

KARA
(angry)
It won’t kill ya to get your ass out of bed before reveille's over.

Kara turns back around--

The Preteen Couples have finally moved out of their beds, but are still groping like drunken twister players.

KARA
Jesus.

FREEZE on Kara’s annoyed face.

HANLEY (V.O.)
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Kara’s really got a raw deal with her campers.
(pause)
But here’s the thing...

CUT TO:

INT. BUNK F - DAY

Hanley (12), wide eyed and guilty, is being interrogated by a FRAZZLED COUNSELOR.

FRAZZLED COUNSELOR
(demanding)
For the last time. Where’s Kara??

HANLEY
Um... The roof?

FRAZZLED COUNSELOR
The roof?!

KARA (O.S.)
TOWANDA!!!

CRASH! The Frazzled Counselor eyes widen in horror.

HANLEY
The bushes?

CUT TO:

EXT. BUNK V - CONTINUOUS

Kara manhandles TWO BOYS off of the bunk porch.

KARA
(sarcastically)
--I better see some freakin’ Benjamins next time, or find yourself another whorehouse!
Just as Kara finishes her sentence, she look up to find--

ROBIN MAGER “MAGE” (mid 30’s), a bulldog of a woman, glaring right back at her... Busted.

HANLEY (V.O.)
It’s really just Karma biting her in the ass.

CUT TO:

INT. KATE BROOKS CONDO - MORNING

It’s a one room, bunk style condo. Make-shift furniture. A trail of last night’s clothes leads to the bed.

OAKES (23), an androgynous hipster, slips out from beneath the covers and collects her clothes.

HANLEY (V.O.)
See the one who’s about to pull a bag and bail? That’s Oakes.

KATE BROOKS (25), petite and bird-like, peacefully asleep on the other side of the bed.

HANLEY (V.O.)

And the one who’s about to be bailed on? That’s Kate Brooks.

(pause)
She’s head of the junior girls’ division and Oakes’ soon to be ex-girlfriend.

Oakes slips on her jeans and quietly tip toes towards the door.

SQUEAK!

OAKES
(under her breath)
Shit.

KATE
You’re leaving?

OAKES
Reveille went off.

KATE
So?

OAKES
I’ve gotta get back.

KATE
What about Hanely?

OAKES
She’s covered me three times already.

(pause)
I’ll swing by during my off period.

HANLEY (V.O.)
In the two short summers that Oakes has been here, she’s become a camp legend of sorts.
(pause)
Campers idolize her. The guys think she’s cool. And the girls... Well there’s just no word to describe it.

KATE
That’s it?

Oakes stops and lets out a sigh. This is the last thing she wants to be talking about.

OAKES
Can’t we talk about this later?

KATE
There isn’t going to be a later.

OAKES
What?

Freeze on Oakes stunned face.

HANLEY (V.O.)
But like all legends, Oakes has a major Achille’s heel.

CUT TO:

INT. DINNING HALL - DAY

Oakes strolls up from behind an adorable RED HEAD and gives her tray a once over.

OAKES
Sausages? Too bad. I was guessing you were more of a melon type of girl.

The Red Head blushes and lets out a flirtatious giggle.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Oakes and the Read Head prepares to do a round of TEQUILA SHOTS.

The Red Head Counselor licks her hand, sprinkles the salt, and then hands the shaker off to Oakes.

Oakes, though, reaches over, licks the Red Head Counselor’s neck in a slow, sensual pattern, and then gently applies the salt. She couldn’t any get closer to foreplay if she tried.

CUT TO:

EXT. KATE BROOKS CONDO - MOMENTS LATER

Oakes storms out of the condo.

OAKES
(shouting)
Screw you! I’ve got vibrators that give better orgasms!

Oakes turns back around and comes face to face with--

A crowd of wide eyed JUNIOR CAMPERS (5 to 10 yrs old). They’ve have heard every last word.

HANLEY (V.O.)
She can’t do monogamy.