Wednesday, April 29, 2009

99th


Let me set the scene for you…

EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY

Every inch of the sprawling metal Picasso like structure is crawling with children. Short ones. Chubby ones. Ones who should be popping Ridillin.

O’Neill sits off to the side working on a crossword puzzle. Every so often she glances up to check on an rambunctious boy with a mop of unruly curls.

M.O.T.Y. (O.S.)

Is this seat taken?


O’Neill looks up to find---


MOM OF THE YEAR hovering around the other half of the bench. In shape, stylish, and equipped with all the latest and greatest child wrangling gadgets, she clearly views being a stay at home as an Olympic sport.


O’NEILL

Nope.


O’Neill moves her bag over and M.O.T.Y. takes the seat.


M.O.T.Y.

Which one is yours?


O’NEILL

(pointing towards the slide)

The one over there in the red hoodies.


M.O.T.Y.

Cute. He takes after his father, right?


INNER O’NEILL

Oh please… Really? He’s nine, lady! I’m old but not THAT old.


O’Neill flashes a friendly “please let this be a brief convo” smile.


O’NEILL

I’m just babysitting.


M.O.T.Y.

Oh! Of course you are! I was going to say… So young looking.


INNER O’NEILL

Kudos! Took you less than 3 seconds to remove your foot from your mouth. A new playground record!


A beat.


M.O.T.Y.

So do you mind me asking? What activities is your little Munkin involved in?


O’NEILL

Um—


M.O.T.Y.

Because my Richie—the adorable one over there near the sandbox—he’s all over the place. Karate. Debate. Soccer. Acting. Spanish lessons. Nothing seems to be enough of a challenge for him.


INNER O’NEILL
And the award for over parenting goes to…


O’NEILL

I think he plays Baseball.


M.O.T.Y.

(shocked)

That’s it?


INNER O’NEILL
Well, he also moonlights as a neuro-surgeon but that’s nothing to really brag about.


O’NEILL

Pretty much.


M.O.T.Y.

God that must be so nice! We thought about cutting back on Richie’s schedule but his academic planner advised against it. I know he’s only in elementary school but it’s never too late to start thinking about college.


INNER O’NEILL

Why not? The SATs has a finger painting section, right?


O’NEILL

Uh-huh.


M.O.T.Y.

Infact we’ve already had to start looking into Prep schools. Richie recently tested in the 99th percentile for his age. Do you believe that? 99th .

(pause)

They want to skip him a grade or two but I’m just so hesitant to say ok. Really worried about the repercussions. You know, socially speaking.


O’Neill glances over at Richie who is scooping up handful of gravel and shoving it into his mouth.


INNER O’NEILL

99th huh? Is that actual or intellectual age?


M.O.T.Y.

So what does your little one excel in?


Richie starts spitting out the gravel like a human machine gun.


O’Neill

(motioning to Richie)

Um… Not that.


M.O.T.Y. looks over in abject horror.


M.O.T.Y.

Jesus! Richard! Not again!


M.O.T.Y. instantly leaps off the bench and races towards Richie.


INNER O’NEILL

I’d hold off on Harvard if I were you.

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