Me, Myself, and I

Let me set the scene for you…

EXT. WOODS – EARLY MORNING

O’Neill is jogging down a dense wooded path sweaty and slightly out of breath. From the glistening dew in the faint rays of sunlight it’s clear that it’s too early for anyone to be up, yet alone exercising.

INNER O’NEILL

Can we talk?

O’NEILL

Nope. I know what you’re gonna say.

INNER O’NEILL

Well I’m gonna say it anyway. You’re nuts!

O’NEILL

I need to run.

INNER O’NEILL

Run, yes. At 6 am? No.

O’NEILL

When else am I supposed to do it?

INNER O’NEILL

After work?

O’NEILL

Right. Running in the dark… Deep in the woods… Might as well put my face on a milk carton now.

A beat.

O’Neill picks up the pace as the path inclines. She’s hurting but showing no signs of slowing down.

INNER O’NEILL

Ok. That’s it. You’re insane!

(Pause)

Slow down.

O’NEILL

Nope.

(Pause)

I need to blow off some steam.

INNER O’NEILL

Agreed. But why can’t you alleviate your stress with alcohol or take-out like a normal human being?

O’NEILL

Cause I need the exercise.

INNER O’NEILL

That’s why God invented gyms.

A beat.

INNER O’NEILL

Enough already! Can we at least take a break at the Bridge?

O’NEILL
No time.

INNER O’NEILL

Bullshit.

O’NEILL
I need to shower.

INNER O’NEILL
No you don’t.

O’NEILL

Who’s in charge here?

INNER O’NEILL

C’mon. You know you want to. You can relax with the waterfall and the ducks and tiny rapids….

O’NEILL

(annoyed)

No.

INNER O’NEILL

C’mon… PLEEEEEEEEASE!

O’NEILL

(fed-up)

Fine!

Suddenly, O’Neill notices a little old ASAIN WOMAN 20 feet away staring at her… Busted.

O’Neill flashes a friendly, “I’m completely normal even though I was just arguing with myself” smile as the Asian woman walks on by.

A beat.

O’NEILL

Ugh.

INNER O’NEILL

Yup. Totally nuts.

Gather Two of Every Animal!

Let me set the scene for you…

INT. SWANKY BAR – NIGHT

A dimly lit upscale bat cave of a bar semi-populated with ex Wall St causalities.

O’Neill hangs out at the bar, building a mini fort out of cocktail napkins, olives, cherries, and toothpicks. Boredom is an understatement.

WATERWORKS (O.S.)

My boyfriend used to do that.

O’Neill snaps out of her olive and cherries veranda daydream and notices…

WATERWORKS. Tiny, bird-like waif of a girl. Undoubtedly, her purse weighs ten pounds more than she does.

O’NEILL

Well, olives and toothpicks do make a great impromptu Lego set.

WATERWORKS

Huh?

INNER O’NEILL

Oh. This is going to be painful.

O’NEILL

Nevermind.

WATERWORKS

You waiting for your boyfriend?

INNER O’NEILL
Nice try but wrong gender.

O’NEILL

Friend.

WATERWORKS

Ah. I hate having to wait. Trevor. That’s my boyfriend—or was my boyfriend—used to make me wait all of the time.

INNER O’NEILL
Not taking the bait.

WATERWORKS

Trevor. My ex … or semi-ex… or whatever… just couldn’t be on time to save his life. Five. Ten. Twenty minutes late.

INNER O’NEILL

Nope. Not going to ask. Nope… Nope… Nope…

WATERWORKS

…And it was never his fault either. Oh no. It was always “Sorry baby. Traffic sucked”.

INNER O’NEILL

I just want to build my fortress of “Olivetude” in peace and quiet. Is that too much to ask?

O’Neill starts to say something but suddenly stops. She catches sight of the glimmer of tears in Waterworks eyes.

INNER O’NEILL
@#@#^&^$#@$!!!

WATERWORKS

(on the verge of tears)

He was even late for our anniversary. Two hours. Two freaking hours I sat alone at Nobu. Like a total loser.

(pause)

The waiter even asked me if I had been stood up. Do you believe that??

Waterworks chokes up. She can’t fight the oncoming flood of tears.

INNNER O’NEILL

Mayday! Mayday!

Waterworks snatches the cocktail napkin roof from O’Neill’s fort and blots her eyes.

The fort crumples into a mess of olives and cherries.

INNER O’NEILL
No!!!!

WATERWORKS

Sorry. I don’t normally get like this.

O’Neill lets out a sigh and offers Waterworks another napkin.

O’NEILL

That’s ok. Break ups are never easy.

WATERWORKS

(sobbing into napkin)

Uh-huh… I… just… miss… him…

Waterworks dives straight into O’Neill’s shoulder, forcing O’Neill to comfort her. Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe it.

INNER O’NEILL
Awkward. Party of one.

A beat.

O’NEILL

When did he leave?

Waterworks immediately pulls back in shock.

WATERWORKS

He? Leave me? Ha!

O’Neill stares at Waterworks in utter confusion as she quickly puts herself back together. Not a single sign of a tear anywhere.

WATERWORKS

I break up with men. Men do not break up with me. Period.

With that Waterworks disappears back into the bar crowd.

INNER O’NEILL
Check please!

Family Jewels

Let me set the scene for you…

INT. CAR – AFTERNOON

O’Neill casually waits in her double parked car unwinding a bit to the radio.

O’NEILL

(mindlessly)

Birthday sex… Birthday sex…

A beat.

The back door flies open.

CURLS, a scrawny mop of blonde curls, scrambles into the backseat. He chucks his backpack and lunchbox in post school frustration.

O’Neill immediately reaches for the radio and shuts it off.

INNER O’NEILL

Songs about gifts in the form of sexual favors not exactly Disney approved.

O’NEILL

Hey Buddy! How was school?

CURLS

Eh.

INNER O’NEILL

Uh-oh.

O’NEILL
Just “eh”?

CURLS

Yup.

O’NEILL

Any reason?

Curls shrugs and listlessly stares out the window.

A beat.

O’Neill glances back through the rear view mirror and notices that the collar of his shirt is ripped.

INNNER O’NEILL

Hold the phone…

O’NEILL

What happened to your shirt?

CURLS

Brian.

O’NEILL

Brian?

CURLS

Yeah. Brian.

O’NEILL

And Brian is…?

CURLS

(frustrated)

Brian. He’s just Brian.

INNER O’NEILL
Any chance Brian’s full name is “Brian the Bully”?

O’NEILL

Does Brian do stuff like that a lot?

CURLS

Sometimes.

O’NEILL

Does your mom know?

Curls just shrugs.

O’NEILL

And your teacher?

Curls double shrugs.

INNER O’NEILL
Ah. The “shrug” tactic. Deflecting awkward conversations since 1955.

O’NEILL

Let me guess… Brian likes to pick on you?

CURLS

(quietly)

Sometimes.

O’Neill lets out a little sigh. She locks eyes with Curls through the rear view mirror.

O’NEILL
Wanna know a secret?

CURLS

I guess.

O’NEILL

Brian’s an idiot.

CURLS

No. He’s not.

O’NEILL

Yes. He is.

CURL

But he’s bigger than me.

O’NEILL

So? One day you and that amazing brain of yours are going to rule the world. And people like Brian? Well he’s never gonna to amount to anything more than a glorified garbage man.

CURLS

Really?

O’NEILL

Totally.

(pause)

But in the meantime, if he ever lays a hand on you again then I want you to kick him as hard are you can in the nuts and run like hell. Ok Buddy?

CURLS

(giggling)

Cool.

O’Neill can’t help but smile at this.

INNER O’NEILL

I love my job.